


tonight might be my night to reminisce

by sign_from_god_complex



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Existential Angst, Fluff, I swear this is actually fluffy though, Lo has some good good boyfriends who just want him to be okay, M/M, Minor panic attack, Stargazing, eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-29 23:57:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17817968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sign_from_god_complex/pseuds/sign_from_god_complex
Summary: Sentimentality was not a concept Logan was hugely familiar with, but there was one exception.Or, Logan gets emotional watching the stars and his boyfriends are there to help.





	tonight might be my night to reminisce

**Author's Note:**

> The title for this one is from This Manhattan Man by The Altogether and I completely recommend their whole EP!! It’s on Bandcamp and it’s _excellent_ ; I was listening to it nonstop as I wrote this.
> 
> Warnings: Description of a panic attack (I seem to do a lot of those, huh?), dissociation, brief mention of death of a family member and general existential thinking.
> 
> Talk to me on tumblr!! ~ [sign-from-god-complex](https://sign-from-god-complex.tumblr.com) ~

Sentimentality was not a concept Logan was hugely familiar with. He found himself to be focused mostly externally, cognisant of his surroundings and of things much more concrete than feelings. More aware of facts and numbers or of the sensation of fabrics against his skin and the warmth of others when they touched him.

There was one exception, however.

Without fail, watching the stars inspired something in him. He couldn't explain what it was. It felt like a longing for something indescribable, a homesickness for a home he'd never had, an awareness of just how insignificant he was in the grand scheme of the universe. It hurt his chest, opened up something raw and hollow inside him, and yet at the same time it was intoxicating. It was Logan's one opportunity to be purely emotional—to disregard his nature and  _feel_ , wholly and completely.

As Logan sat on the roof, the sleeves of his sweater pulled past his hands, he allowed himself to breathe.

He could hear from underneath him the sound of people just existing, each of them caught up in their lives and unaware of the others around them doing the same. There was music from a distant place that Logan couldn't exactly pinpoint, quiet and blending with the windchill as it seeped through his bones.

Time was passing, seconds ticking by, and where was he? Truly?

The nature of the universe is still and unchanging, but the nature of humanity is fluid and unstable. Progress was constantly being made, revolutions were being led, both big and small, lives were being permanently altered every second he sat up here watching the stars with a weight on his chest.

It was overwhelming, knowing that there are expectations for him. He isn't allowed to live his life among the stars, no matter how much he longs for it—no matter how much he aches to exist purely as a being of light, guiding those he loves with an unwavering hand. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's good at pretending that he does—he's excellent at it in fact—but in reality, he's lost. Living his life waiting for another chance to feel stable.  _Hoping_ for another chance to feel stable.

But, here, in this moment, he was limitless. Here he was alone and yet he was accompanied by every person who had ever lived and everyone who ever will—an infinite wonder of possibilities and certainties. The universe was spread out before his eyes and echoing in his ears.

When his grandmother died, Logan's first exposure to loss, it was something his mother had said to him. Every star is a captured soul. When they leave the earth, they travel to the sky and take up residence there—safe, secure and sure of their purpose, of their identity and of every part of their endless being. Finally at complete peace.

Logan's soul came from the stars and it would return there in time.

There were tears slipping down his face but he didn't acknowledge them. They were expected on nights like this—his one chance for emotional release without the pressure of other's gazes on his back. These moments were his and his alone; that's the way they needed to be.

Logan gazed intently at the sky, identifying the brightest stars and the ones you may miss at first glance, wishing for some distance from the city lights. Wishing for a way to see the stars as bright and clear as they deserved to be seen, yet knowing all things only exist in context. This moment is the only moment like this there was ever going to be in the history of the world. Never before and never again will Logan experience exactly this, so how could he waste it away wishing for something different?

He was hit with another wave of emotion, suddenly aware of how everything he had ever experienced was long past. His childhood was gone. His teenage years were gone. Every 'first' moment was a moment Logan would never have again. The times when he didn't have to worry about the cost of living or his future career or how he was going to survive without someone there to guide him were over.

He was wasting away his life sitting on the roof of his apartment, watching the stars and remaining stagnant.

Sobs wracked Logan's frame for just a second before he managed to once again take a breath. A heavy, shaking breath, but a breath nonetheless. He had to remind himself that this moment was fleeting—all moments were fleeting, that was the nature of existence. The world is impermanent and all he could hope to do was make his life a good one.

No matter how hard it seemed, he had to keep moving forward.

Logan slipped down from the roof, dropping onto the fire escape with a loud clanging noise which would’ve startled anyone that could hear it. Logan was too far away to react though. He climbed in through the window, landing on the living room floor though barely processing his surroundings outside of the fog filling his head.

Distantly, he could feel something warm and soft being draped around his shoulders, gentle but firm hands pulling him to the ground, a steady pressure on his body to ground him, but not overwhelm him. He could hear whispering, could hear the rustling of clothing, the quiet sound of music—one of the classical music pieces Logan had shown Roman that he didn't immediately hate.

As his mind adjusted to the change he could recognise the dim light that filled the room, recognise the cool draft from the window he'd entered through. Recognised Patton, a warm hand on his shoulder, Virgil, a solid weight on Logan's thigh and Roman kneeling above him, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Recognised that he was still crying.

All at once, it was too much—the warmth and the pressure and the gaze of his boyfriends fixated on him—and he couldn't breathe. Wanting to sink back into that place where everything was fuzzy and numb but unable to find it with panic gripping every inch of his body. The blanket was torn away, hands left his skin and tears burned behind his eyes as he tried to explain but could only try his best to breathe. It felt like an insurmountable task.

Voices faded back into awareness. He could hear a quiet but steady counting and Logan recognised it immediately, pulling himself back in enough to attempt to follow along. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight—a constant rhythm, something to direct his focus to.

An indeterminate amount of time passed, the air filled with slow counting and heavy breaths and a peaceful sense of love. Logan unclenched his hands. Breathed. Opened his eyes.

The three of them were sat on the floor in a semi-circle in front of him. Patton’s eyes were wet with tears, face partially hidden away in his cat hoodie and arms wrapped around himself. Virgil watched Logan with a careful eye but made no move towards him. Roman was uncharacteristically quiet, gaze directed at the ground and brow furrowed.

Logan continued to breathe.

"What do you need, Lo?" Virgil searched his face intently. "How can we help you here?"

What did he need? He needed security. He needed a direction. He needed to know that what he was doing with his life was exactly what he needed to be doing, that he wasn't wasting away every time he took a moment to just exist. But right now though, he just needed them.

Logan stood, wobbling slightly on his feet, before speaking, "Come."

His voice was hoarse and low and the others obeyed it without question, following him to the couches and taking a seat—Patton and Virgil on the big couch and Roman in the armchair. Logan settled on the floor beneath them.

"Just... be here with me." Logan leaned back against the bottom of the couch, fitting himself in between Patton's legs. "Please."

Virgil hummed. Logan knew this was a concept he was familiar with; occasionally just existing beside another person was all the socialising Virgil was capable of, and Logan was his go-to for that type of company. He had no doubt that the other two had their experience with it though.

Patton reached down to thread his hand through Logan's hair. He had to shift his position so he could reach comfortably, pushing his legs onto Virgil's lap and pulling a cushion under his head.

"Is this okay?" he whispered.

Logan responded by leaning into his touch, and Patton smiled slightly.

"Logan," Roman began, his voice much more subdued than it normally was, "Did I ever tell you about my first camping trip?"

He shook his head and so Roman began to fill up the silence with a story. Nothing too exciting or adventurous, which was atypical of Roman's stories, so he assumed this one was saved specifically for a moment like this.

Logan let his eyes fall closed—his mind occupied by the words filling the air, the hand tracing through his hair and the calm he now feels. Here he was safe. He was the centre of the universe, the main character of his own story. It was grounding. It was exactly what he needed and it was perfect.

"I love you all," he said softly.

He'd interrupted Roman's story, but Logan doubted he really minded. There was a moment of silence before Virgil said, "We love you too, Lo."

Patton leaned down to kiss the top of Logan's head. "Every single bit of you."

"Forever and always," Roman finished and Logan could hear the fondness in his voice.

Logan wrapped himself up in the surety that provided him—in the way his boyfriends' love warmed him from the inside out—and used that to hold him tightly as he drifted off to sleep.


End file.
